A Letter to My Daughter

 

My Dearest Daughter,

I am writing this letter to you with a heart full of regret, to admit how profoundly wrong I was in the way I treated you. I am so sorry that, for so long, I wanted a boy instead of a girl. I didn’t know any better then; my family and society had shaped me to believe that raising sons was the priority. But that is no excuse.

When you came into our lives, a beautiful girl, I failed to give you the love and acceptance you deserved. Instead of my best, I gave you my suffering. I did not become the mother you needed. I showed up as a tired, unhappy woman who demanded perfection from her daughter. I saved my best self for others, but with you, I didn't even try to be happy or offer a simple smile.

I put my own image and status above your needs. How I looked to the world became more important than listening to you talk about your passions and dreams. I should have been your biggest supporter, helping you become the incredible person you were capable of being. Instead, I was distracted by my own wants. I was on the phone when you came home from school, and still in bed when you left in the morning. I expected you to be responsible when I was neglecting my own responsibilities.

I foolishly compared you to other children, making you feel you were not enough. I was blind to the beauty in you, seeing only what I judged as shortcomings. I wanted you to be perfect so I could boast about what a great mother I was—a cruel and selfish motivation.

I demanded you be a good Muslim when I was a poor role model. I expected you to be the best student without offering the help and support you needed. I punished you for little things and focused on teaching you table manners without caring about what you wanted to eat. When you started putting on weight, I teased you instead of helping you. I am filled with sadness and shame now, realizing I stole the joy from your childhood.

Tonight, I stood in the doorway of your empty room and watched you sleep, looking like a beautiful angel. It broke my heart to remember that when your room was full of life, I only saw messy toys out of place. I remember when you turned fifteen, and all I talked about was your future marriage. I never gave you the confidence or courage to have your own dreams. I’m sorry I discouraged you from playing sports instead of cheering you on.

I always showed you my worst self. I made my problems your problems, burdening you with my unhappiness, anxiety, and family issues. That was wrong—so wrong. Those were my battles to fight. You were little and sweet; you should never have had to carry that weight.

There were months when I didn’t feel well, and I failed to welcome you home from school. On so many mornings, I didn’t wake up to make you breakfast, give you a warm hug, or wish you a beautiful day. In front of my friends, I pretended everything was fine, but with you, I acted like a child. You saw my unhappiness, and it made you unhappy. For all of this, I am deeply sorry.

And I know that when you turned eighteen, I began asking about marriage, an unknown journey you were never prepared for. I worried about your weight, fearing you wouldn't find a suitable partner. You probably knew that, and for this, too, I am profoundly sorry. I ask you, from the bottom of my heart, to please forgive me.

I was not a good mother. Now that you are not here, I miss you terribly. I live every day with the regret that I could have—I should have—done so much better. I should have spent more time with you, protected you, listened to you, and been the steady presence you deserved. It would have been God’s greatest blessing to hear you talk about your dreams, to do homework with you, and to go on long walks together. The hours I wasted talking to friends and browsing social media meant nothing compared to what I lost with you.

My final hope is that you will give your children the unconditional love I failed to give you. Learn from my mistakes. Please, do not pass this suffering on. You have the power to stop it. Raise your children to be great human beings who know, without a doubt, that their mother will always be there for them, no matter what.

With all my love and regret,

Your Mom